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I have enjoyed all of your various forms of self-expression for quite awhile now... sharing is caring, so here is some recent stuff- both commision work and... random doodling. I would love some feedback from all of you talented folks!




( ILIKETODRAWDRAWDRAWPEOPLE,NOTBANANAS )

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I haven't updated in eons because, well- I wasn't quite sure how to sum up what's been happening in my life as of late.
Here's a quick go at it....
Occupation: Art Teacher
Location: NOT my Hometown
Interests: Reconnecting with friends, trying(?) to make new ones
Mood: Radical Rebellion

I feel a great seaschange coming on in my life. I have done everything I set out to do and to become just a few years ago, but I'm desperately not happy with it. I got my initial license and moved far from home and, although it might be the specific position I'm in, all I want to do is move back and get a new job. Not just a new job- a different job. I would rather be working at Star Bucks or a Day Care Center or pretty much anywhere but where I am, doing anything but what I'm doing.

Everything has been so intense lately I feel as if I should just curl up in my studio and do portraits of people through my website for the rest of my life. At least with break I've had the chance to get some sleep, do some reading, and clear my head a bit. Though it would take a trip to Greece to dry out completely.

I have cried more and had more to drink in the past five months than I have in the past five years. That's a bit ridiculous.

Thanks to constant friends and family who are always willing to pick up the phone when I call, to joyride with me, to be two years old with me.

Back to reality. I had forgotten for one shining, glimmering moment. How quickly things can change. I can't help but feel how vicerally I experience things since September 11th, how my life changed on that day in so many ways stretching out to the horizon and I guess I continue stumbling along to discover them. I can't even look at the news, and I feel ill when I sit down to read the paper. It has nothing to do with body count or the effectiveness of the attack, only the shallowness of the second that it took to happen. The look on people's faces as they stand, bereft, looking at what only a moment ago had been familiar and now is surreal.


I guess I have been a little busy since May, but it would have been nice if I had written at least one journal entry while I was gone. Too late now.
Thailand was so incredibly beautiful and our tour guide Mam was just lovely. We met travelers from every continent, rolling around the world with us. It will probably be the best vacation of my entire life. One day I'll have to put up a picture of me on the longboat from the River Kwai Resotel- my new favorite place on earth. If I ever need to hide away from the world in a more concrete way, I know where to go.

If you are reading this, I wish you peace.

So I did get that diploma after all! I apologize for the long lapse in lj for those who were concerned... it was definitely dark days for awhile there. The *EXTREMELY SPECIAL* prof for that one credit class took a look at my grades with me in the room and -low and behold- she had the assignments right there in the building with her, yet zeros in the gradebook.
It's all well and good that she sat down with me and fixed all the grades, but you just do not do that to someone who is less than a week away from graduating. I think those three days of e-mails and waiting took about a year off my life-span.
But I did it! Four long, long years of hunting down those credits and I captured the last one at the last minute. The whole weekend went well, move out was chaotic as usual. The ceremony itself was beautiful with the sun shining and the speaker was the host of the NPR morning show (Renee Montagne), so I was personally really happy with it.
And Michelle flew in from New Mexico and got the hang out in the dorms and meet all my friends there, which was cool and kind of cathartic in a way. I actually didn't cry at all. Not during the walk across the stage, not when I turned over my dorm room key, and not when I took that last long drive out the back gate. I've been so exhausted ever since that I'm beginning to wonder if it has even hit me yet.
Regardless, it was great to spend some quality time with my best at the beach and talk about all she and I have been through over the past year. Huh. Maybe that's why I'm exhausted.
Now my only responsibilities in life are to tie up loose ends at my student teaching school, mail out some resumes, and trying to figure out when where and how to build a life for myself. oh!-and getting ready for a month in Thailand.
I just hope that I don't wind up like Bridget in the Edge of Reason, because I like my bras and I certainly don't know any Madonna tunes. Somewhere in all the nonsense of graduation week I fell head over heels for the Red Hot Chili Peppers (By the Way), though. Maybe Thai women would like to learn some of their music?
If you are reading this, I hope you are well and all is right in your world!

Words cannot describe.... I just love those moments when you world comes crashing down around you and then- well, it continues crashing.
Really- can't begin to go into the shit hole that is my life at this moment. Like my sister says- "I don't want to kill myself, I just... wish I was dead."
We are born innocent, believe me Adia, it's easy- We are faulted, but does it matter?

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you awy from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

If it were up to me I would not be a dreamer- I would be a realistic, feet-on-the-ground kind of girl, but I do a very poor imitation of grounded so I guess I'll stick to head-in-the-clouds. Life's always interesting that way...

Long day, just need to make it through seven more days (and EOG testing... shoot me now) in order to regain my sanity.

I graduate in two weeks.
I can't even fathom what that feels like right now.
Unlike highschool, I feel as though I'm on the edge of a precipice as I look past the date of graduation.
I'm not even sure anymore that I will be doing what I have planned so long to do. It's not that I'm unsure of whether I am capable, or whether I want to do it. The career is just so large and looming. I don't want to abandon my goals, but I do want a lifestyle where I will be able to do something besides work.
I am so SO happy to be single, but I still look at those girls who have found someone to cling to and I am envious at the security. When I graduate everything changes, but they have this constant. They are able to turn off their thoughts at the end of the day with the knowledge that they will not be alone tomorrow.
I am alone every tomorrow.

-"What a Good Boy" by The Barenaked Ladies
-"Baby Girl" by Nelly Furtado
-"I Love You" by Sarah McLaughlin (always made me think of DC, even before J/D), as well as "Do What You Have to Do" by Sarah
-"Beautiful Mess" by Diamond Rio (well, it should be Josh's song, anyway... at least in fanfic)
-"I Shall Believe" by Sheryl Crow
-"Ex-Factor" by Lauryn Hill
-"Shut Up and Drive" by Chely Wright and "A Little Past Little Rock" by Lee Anne Womack are both the 'new Donna'
-"The Scientist" by Coldplay
-"Call and Answer" by BNL, if they were to ever really have this conversation...
-"Don't Go" and "A Million Tears" by Kasey Chambers
-"A Case of You" by Joni Mitchell
-"Joga" by Bjork
-"Let Him Fly" by the Dixie Chicks
-"Back to You" by John Mayer
-"I Thought You Knew" by Keith Urban
-"Babylon" by David Gray
...and hopefully, one day "In My Life" by the Beatles will apply to them.

Plus the compilation of other's suggestions:
Unaccompanied Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major - Yo-Yo Ma
What Am I To You? - Norah Jones
Wonderwall - Oasis
What I Meant to Say - The Bangles
Something's Gotta Give - Ella Fitzgerald
Desire - Ryan Adams
Donna - Ritchie Valens
Something to Talk About - Badly Drawn Boy
Can't Fight This Feeling - REO Speedwagon
Somewhere Only We Know - Keane
The Path of Thorns (Terms) - Sarah McLachlan
Temptation - Dianna Krall
The First Cut is the Deepest - Sheryl Crow
Delicate - Damien Rice
Golden - My Morning Jacket
Ways & Means - Snow Patrol
The Scientist - Coldplay*
Donna & Blitzen - Badly Drawn Boy
Iris - GooGoo Dolls
Stay - Michelle Featherstone
Babylon - David Grey*
Something to Talk About - Bonnie Raitt
Call Me Irresponsible - Frank Sinatra
Beyond the Sea - Bobby Darin
I Love You - Sarah McLachlan*

I haven't even heard of some of those, so I guess I need to do some research. ;)
** Update-- I was running this morning and this Kylie Minogue song came on, and sinnce I still had J/D song filter on in my head I thought it would make a really funny scenario to call it a J/D song. ;)
"Red Blooded Woman"

Before you get too heated and turned on (and turned on)
You should've learned your lesson all in times before
You've been bruised, you've been broken


And theres my mind saying think before you go
Through that door that takes me to nowhere (yes boy)
I stopped you all romantic crazy in your head
You think I listen, no I don't care


Can't focus I can't stop
You got me spinning round, round, round, round (like a record)
Can't focus it's too hot (inside)
You'll never get to Heaven, if your scared of getting high


(Boy, boy) Let me keep freaking around, I wanna get down
And I'm a red-blooded woman, what's the point of hanging around?
(Boy, boy)
I wanna keep turning it down, when this girl wants to rock with you, yeah...
(Boy, boy)

;)... (Would love to see Donna get her freak on with Josh... oh- the confusion...)

So... life has been a little crazy, and to be truthful I just fell back into the whole "reading, not writing in lj" mindset. There's just... so much to read. Stories, political ideas, fiction, song lyrics, art ideas. I get so caught up in it that I forget that I should update.

Student teaching has been really interesting, I have to say. After months in the classroom full-time I finally feel like it's mine (even though it isn't, I have to feel that way to present everything to the kids as a definite). I think I'm really good at it. Better than a lot of teachers out there already, but I still have a lot that I would like to improve upon. The only thing that I feel out of control over is that I am not 100% a people person, in that I really dislike conflict. I know most people don't, and we all kind of suck it up and deal, but emotional things like that tend to bother me for extended periods of time.

I've found that on the days that I'm really stressed I automatically "take a vacation" afterschool- which to me is a nice twenty-minute drive in my car. I drive and process everything that has happened that day, how I felt about it, what I should have done differently, etc. I guess that it's just starting to hit me what an emotional job it is. In some random office job I'd be in a cubicle for 70% of the day, but when you're a teacher you have to communicate with other people ALL day, non-stop. I like my me time, so I guess I need to start actively creating time to be alone after work. For the next 3 weeks, though- I'm also trying to spend as much time as possible with all of my friends here at school before we're all dust in the wind after graduation.

Anywho- LJ has become part of my anonymous alone time when I get up in the morning and make coffee and watch the news. The other morning some very psychic person posted a request about J/D songs, and I had quite a few answers in response, so I'll probably post them on here in a minute for posterity's sake.

Speaking of lyrics, if you have not heard the new Destiny's Child song, well- it's disgusting.

 

( Cater 2 U, by Destiny's Child )

There's this new "scar product for kids" commercial that I have seen, like 12 times in the three hours of tv I've seen this week. Are they stupid?! I mean- kids LOVE scars! Why would they want to get rid of them? And for that matter- if the kid does something that results in a huge hideous scar that they have to stare at for 6-12 months, they are a lot less likely to do that thing a second time. Right?
Meh.
Anywho- It's been a long but great week and I have very high expectations for the weekend as it stretches out in front of me. :) Oh course, by Sunday night I will have no clue what this moment feels like, but for now it is great!
Tonight is the art event downtown with ma girls, and then tomorrow is formal (!!!!) with my lil sis. The six of us have reservations at a seafood place, and I get to wear my most gorgeous gown once more, so... hootie hoo.
It was a great week at school, too. All of my kids make me laugh- even when they aren't trying, even when I should not laugh at all- belly laughs. haha. Those kids kill me.
And can I just say? Even though I now am the "teacher" it still feels a little odd to have a crush on a real "teacher". I could be the exact same age as him and it would still feel just the teensiest bit creepy.
Wow... this post was so random. Apologies all around.

Not in a crisis. I am extremely sleep-deprived, however. And for once it's not really for a good reason. Ce'st la vie, me hearties... three more days until April 2nd!!!! Which is FORMAL!!!! AND MY BIRTHDAY!!!! And my little sister is going to hang out with me and sleep over in the dorms, which is always hilarious good times and then I will probably sleep for half the day on Sunday and lay around and watch movies, which is like my favorite thing to do in my lil pullout bed of mine.
I need to enjoy my life more. I tend to dwell on things that are not important. Like, oh- I don't know... the future. Jobs, school, graduation, etc.
Dude. I may as well be drunk here. I can't remember a time before I started typing. Hah. My first drunk post, and I'm not even drunk.
SLeep?
Haha.
mebeeeee

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty
in the moonlight
overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne,
she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe I've been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you'd let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me do you?
Remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah




So, going through all of my old cd's to find every heartrending break-up song I've ever listened to in order to produce a mix cd for my best friend was probably NOT the right choice if I didn't want to spend the evening crying... This song just kills me x1,000 and then I start thinking about CJ and I put in that episode, and then I put in King Corn ( so, SO DUMB), which leads me to Ryan Adams, and on and on.
Tiny puddle, will peel myself off the floor now.

So, I've been wandering around life and livejournal these past few days, drinking too much coffee and pulling old volumes of poetry off the shelf. I wanted to preface what I'm about to say with that just so anyone reading this knows that I may or may not be over-analyzing things lately, or I may just have an odd perspective on things in general.(and I have made the mistake of making unintentionally inflammatory remarks in this private journal which got me blacklisted for awhile, so you can understand the cautionary tone)
The Mary Kate and Ashley phenomenon on all of the Ana forums and on lj has really taken root. What I thought was a temporary sign of support has failed to dissipate in favor of some other more worthy icon (worthy being a skewed judgment call in this instance). As I started thinking about it, I noticed that in fact many of the icons and banners linked to this group of individuals are actually of the twins together. This is perhaps a telling detail- it is not the anorexic twin that they idolize. It is the duality of the grounded, healthy twin looking still very much identical to the lost, listless wide-eyed twin. I see it as a metaphor for ana herself- two separate, conscious beings existing in the same body. The confusion of looking in the mirror and seeing the girl trapped inside and being the girl who is free. There is the awake, alive, understanding part of the dementia that clings at the falling, failing, lost side. They look at each other and know that they are one and the same, that they both contribute to the same result- either in irreproachable perfection or in indefatigable weakness but it is with an understanding that they are trapped by one another. The key to the freedom defies every instinctual feeling- the sane side and the tilted reality want to be free of one another, so they pull at the chains that bind them, but they can only be free and balanced when they reach out and cling to one another- forcing the reality to confront the dementia and vice-versa.
The thought of all of the tiny, afraid little girls makes me want to cry. The secret to their recovery is locked inside their own head, which is the place they are most afraid to go. And everyone in their life is so outside of these thoughts that they are unable to guide them to the solution- they continue addressing it as two dichotomous parts.

So I have been extremely counterproductive today... I did five hours of laundry. And then I went swimming, which truly was glorious. I really have missed getting in the water and the feeling of floating and stretching and twisting in weird ways. And I also had a few really good conversations with people that I haven't seen in a long time who I happened to run into all in the same day. Unfortunately, none of that stuff I just listed involved my technology portfolio, which is what I really should have been working on. I went for a walk a little while ago and had a few interesting ideas for some fiction, so I might make that my incentive for getting all of my work done. Aaaand... I think I'm going to make a list of all of the J/D songs I can think of because I can't seem to get them out of my head this week. Not sure if that will make it worse/better, but at least if I type them out I can share them.
Anywho. Back to pretending to focus.

I had to take a break from this for awhile... HAD to. I feel like I missed out on a chunk of people's lives now, but I am graduating on time and with honors, so I guess it was worth it to be without the mindless chatter and literary breakdowns that I have missed so much.
Here's a quick run down of what you missed out on me ranting about... no free time, too much work, crazy schedule between campus and school, older sister craziness, older sister's roomate's wedding craziness, roomate's thesis, best friend's boy troubles... but me? I'm actually ok. I'm more than ok- thanks to some bright sun shine and FINALLY BEING ON SPRING BREAK!! Woohoo! I mean... I still have to be on campus to get my technology portfolio done, but not having to wake up at the crack of dawn rocks my socks off!!!
Anyway, I was reading through some of the entries that I saved from this journal. I have really missed writing as a creative process. Some of the paragraphs about my life or about my past described what I was going through really well- I had forgotten some of that until just now.
So, this is my reintroduction to the LJ world... I hope to be more productive from now on.

Livejournal is eating me alive... I really need to graduate!

sing a song of six pence...

Life is finally not completely chaos. =0 Who knew? I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and that light... is cerulean blue.
Yay for mothers of best friends not going to prison? So, SO freakin' relieved to hear that. Yay for the therapeutic qualities of art production, meaning I will not need to spend time in therapy despite my experiences this past semester. I made a 'C' in a class, which was sad but totally ok- and then I realized that I signed up for it P/F so it doesn't even affect my GPA. Aaaand... I'm done with all of my sculpture work finally- my projects make me really, really happy and I think that they are awesome, so 'woot'!
Fibers is over... loved it and all but sometimes teachers are just waaaay to high stress. And that's coming from ME. Lessons learned...
I finished all of my hours (late), but they are finished.
I will finish my paper for Modern Art History, and take my Race and Ethnics exam tomorrow, so...
effectively everything is done. I was capable of it all along, I just didn't believe it at the time.
And I kind of had to ditch my family for a while to get it all done, and now I really miss them- which is sad, but in a way kind of good because I'll be spending a lot of time with them over the next few weeks and this way I will enjoy it more.
There is still that other issue who has no name... and I don't know how to handle it exactly. When I left for college three and a half years ago I promised myself that I wasn't going to get into a serious relationship until after I graduated. "Me" time. But then there was the whole Jay thing... which seriously bent those rules, and ended tragically for both of us in different ways. So now I am stuck in this limbo of whether or not I still want to apply that rule to myself- and let me be clear that it has taken a really special guy to make me question that. That's not caving in, is it? :/
Anyway, thanks for all the notes and IM's guys... it has really meant a lot to me. If you have not sent me a note or an IM and you haven't returned any of my messages *ahem* WILL *ahem*, give me a call this weekend because I'm interested to know what's going on with the whole big rick situation.
So, I'm going to go finish the paper so that I can start packing and feeling human again.

You have the Vermeer girl look. A Vermeer girl
appealed mostly to the old masters of the Dutch
school, who painted pictures of everyday life
as they knew it. With her fine, fair skin, she
suited a light, natural, dewy make-up. The
Vermeer Girl loved homely things, such as
homemade soaps and candles. The following
artists would have liked to paint you; Pieter
de Hooch and Jan Vermeer.


'Pretty As A Picture' - Which Artist Would Paint You?
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